Time Flies

Wow, time flies. It's been over three weeks since my last posting. I guess I have been lazy.

I blame it on the chemo because one of its side effects is "brain fog". Just as the description implies, the brain has temporary memory loss or is in a state of fogginess. But of course, that is just an excuse because I didn't have brain fog. I did however, was very tired and my interest level in many things was quite low.

Things like eating, drinking, reading, writing, just didn't seem to interest me at all. I just wanted to lie in bed.

The trips to the hospital each day also took a toll on me physically. The grind of the travel and the process of getting zapped is quite taxing. It didn't seem like it at first. I was telling myself that it's just like going to work each day.

At work, we grind it out each morning (getting out of bed, showering.....) and then during the day, we get bombarded with demands, deadlines, and politics. Replace those bombardments with radiation rays, that's how I viewed the treatment.

Unfortunately, those cumulative effects of the radiation quickly caught up to me. Little by little, my body was pounded and weakened.

First came the lack of taste.
Then the saliva got thicker.
Then the nose became stuffy.
Then insomnia kicked in.
Then the sore throat.
Then the burnt skin
Then the peeling of the skin
Then more insomnia kicked in.
Then liquid food only.
Then weight loss.

And during this time, all the hairs at the back of my head from the half way mark to the neck fell out without me even noticing.

As my physical body became weaker and the pain more prominent, my emotional state also took a hit. I became depressed. I didn't realize how much joy food brings into my life. The joy of taste and having a good appetite is definitely something I took for granted. Oh, how I wish for a nice juicy steak right now!

I also felt depressed because my energy level was so low. I wanted to read and write. But after reading a few pages, my eyes got so tired. I wanted to pray more, but I didn't know what to pray. God heard it all already and knows what my heart was thinking without having me say a thing.

He knows what I needed.

He put music in my heart.
He put words of encouragement from friends into my inbox.
He put greeting cards, comics, and unbelievably hard picture mazes to solve into my mail box.
He gave me life stories from loved ones for me to read and in turn, appreciate their life and their love much more than I had ever anticipated.

These are some of the many "hidden" blessings that God showered on me these past few weeks.

God knows and gives me what I need.

God never failed me. God never fails me. God will never fail me.