Physical Beauty vs Inner Beauty

Every morning while driving to work, I listen to 99.5FM.  It's a Christian radio station broadcasting out of the States.  The topic this morning was a sermon given by a Scottish pastor on physical beauty and the fact that it doesn't last. 

I have been struggling with this topic in the past few months.  Ever since I broke up with my girlfriend over a year ago, I have been searching for that special someone to spend the rest of my life with.  Just like a typical guy, I often find myself interested only in those girls that I find physically attractive.  Often times, those girls who I'm attracted to wants nothing to do with me!  Nice.     

God has blessed me with several opportunities these past few months.  I feel as if God is saying to me:  "Here Ivan, I know you're stubborn and you put physical beauty first over inner beauty.  So, here are some opportunities for you to discover for yourself what is more important."

Well, two of the relationships have already failed.  The first one was quite obvious.  God did not waste any time in telling me that she was NOT the one for me.  The second one took a bit longer.  She was not a Christian, although she went to church.  I'm not sure whether her motives in going to church were pure or not.  Only God knows that.  We dated for 3 months and things accelerated fairly quickly.  However, once again, God revealed to me that she was not the one either.  I'm so thankful to God for his providence.   

Recently, I met this girl, who I will simply call "TC".  Physically, I'm not attracted to her.  But spiritually, we have a lot in common.  We both serve God with  all our heart.  Although we don't serve and worship in the same church, we serve and worship the same God.  

Part of me is wanting to open up my heart and just let her into my life.  But another part of me (the evil stubborn part) is making my heart into a stone.  I keep praying to God that if indeed she is the person He intends for me, than surely my heart would be filled with love for her.  And not just any kind of love, but the "don't-even-remember-my-surname" (a very popular Chinese idiom) kind of love.  In other words, fall head over heels for her.

I haven't spoken to "TC" in about 2 weeks now.  As each day passes, I feel more and more distant from her.  But I know that God put her in my life for a reason and I can't just deny God like that.  It's as if someone gives you a present and not only do you forget to say thank you, but you don't even acknowledge or open the present to see what it is and then move on to something else.  It is very disrepectful.  And this present is from God!  How can I be so disrepectful to Him.  

This morning's sermon really spoke to me.  The speaker said that physical beauty does not last.  No matter how beautiful you are now, that physical beauty will fade away and you're left only with your inner beauty.  I have heard those words many times before, but today, those words made an impact on me.

I emailed TC this afternoon just to say hi.  I do think it's time that I thank God for the present and open it up to see what it is.  Once again, our loving God gives us a choice.  We can either open the present or choose to put it aside and go about our stubborn ways.  What will be my choice?

Thank you Lord for Your abundant love.  Please open up my heart and take away my evil stubborness.  In Christ.  Amen.